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... I'm thinking that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through. 'Cause I know there's no life after you.

I've come back here for the first time in months and went back to read everything I've written.

I'm overcome by the need to hug that girl who started writing somewhere in 2005. She used to be so sad, so lonely all the time. There were friends who didn't know how not to be selfish, boys who didn't understand how fragile she was under all that "I can do it like a brutha, do it like a dude" attitude, parents who were so worried about her they would only show it through anger. There were good days and bad days, highs and lows, tv shows and writing and music. This LJ has seen her kick bulimia, lose some of the people she loved the most, battle with depression, cramming for exams. Meeting Ivan and falling in love with him.

And underneath it all, there was me, a distinct and important part of me that I would only let the internet see, 'cause I really couldn't show anybody else. I needed a sandbox to play in, before going out into the world. When it finally happened, that's when I stopped needing livejournal.

I know LJ isn't thriving anymore, but I can't let go of it. Even if I won't write, or won't need it as much. Even if months, maybe years will pass between updates, I'll keep it up, pay my account, make sure it exists. I'd miss it if it wasn't there, like I'd miss that part of myself that had to "leave her words in the fabric of time".

Sep. 3rd, 2012

The problem is that I'm never allowed to be angry, or offended, or unaccepting.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


The bright lights are harsh...

...When you're trying to rest.

Has it really been so long since I've posted? I keep swearing up and down that I'll be better at this, but...

I do have so much to write: Italian and European politics, recipes, Life in a Serious Relationship (spin-off of Life in Milan, remember?), Life After CELTA (another spin-off), TV-Shows I've been watching or stopped watching or wanting to watch...

The problem is that life, outside and through the computer monitor, flies so fast that I can't stop to record it. I've just gotta be there to experience it all.

Speaking of, I've got to go: I have errands to run, students to attend to, people to call, a boyfriend to go back to at the end of the day.

But I have missed writing, the feeling I get when my fingers barely touch the keys because my mind is running along at five hundred miles an hour and counting. And you know, that could really be motivation enough to get back on here on a semi-regular basis.

I've now been...


Dec. 5th, 2011

Today at 7:00 AM, my boyfriend's mother left us.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


I'm really not happy with LIFE right now.

It'll pass, if only because everything does, in due time. And if you were to ask me why and how some things came to be, I could tell you both and still leave you unsatisfied.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Love is...

... when your boyfriend wants to celebrate your birthday even if he's hurting on the inside.

So he books a restaurant without telling you, wines and dines you, and gets you something shiny.

These might be, hands down, the most fabulous earrings I own.

Ivan's got excellent taste. Then again, he's with me... How could he not? ;)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


I seem to keep abandoning you, LJ.

I don't really mean to, but life is really getting in the way.

desperationCollapse )

There's been so much pain and suffering this year, can it stop now?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


...And it's what it is now...

We're in for two days of offsite testing starting Wednesday. I think, but I might be wrong, that the company division boss wants to be there for all of them, thus asking to group them in two days instead of three.

Of course, I missed our yearly Buccinasco night, so they just HAD to schedule me for testing at some point. *sigh* I must remember to bring a book, silence my phone, and check everybody's contact info.

It's a fashion school, for what it's worth.

In other news, G., one of the kids I tutor on the side, had an English test yesterday. I am *so*curious. Seeing him later today, let's hope.

This past weekend I got roped into helping Ivan with chores and figuring out how to run his washing machine (I'm dating the average Italian male, who lives alone but whose mother does washing and ironing for him), and in true married couple fashion we read the instructions, bickered, and pranked each other.

As to why a couple who doesn't even live together and has limited time as it is wasted half a Sunday doing chores and being frightfully domestic, I'm going to venture and say we needed some normalcy. Ivan needs, at times, something tangible to do, something practical and energy/focus consuming which can take him out of his own head and bring him back to the real world. He needs someone he can latch onto and share all his pain and worries with, which can only be me: his sister is in the same boat, his friends can but aren't as readily available as I am. He needs me to remind him that he's got keep on living his life, that taking care of himself and his home and his dog and his girlfriend and his job is paramount.

I'm the female he touches base with in his "adult life", the life he realized he had to start living a couple of years ago, when he moved out of his mother's house. (What can I say, we're Italian. Adult life starts, for some, in their mid-thirties) So I'm going to give him that, and hope it'll be enough so that he'll hold together during the next year or so.

Cut for illness description.Collapse )

It's like we keep getting bad news- Ivan goes to pieces and I have to put him back together all the time.

Speaking of normalcy-because I'm sick of talking about this, it's at least once a day with different people (my friends, his friends, our bosses, ourselves, his sister, my parents...)

Yesterday evening we went to a concert. II enjoyed it, because who doesn't enjoy Mark Knopfler being amazing with a guitar and Bob Dylan rasping out his lyrics, but we weren't even remotely prepared for it. We've just been dealing with so much that it kinda popped up from nowhere. We're so stressed and emotionally wrung out that Ivan, who's got elephant like memory, totally forgot our six month anniversary until I asked him what day it was. "It's the nin-it's tomorrow, isn't it? Love, I'm so sorry, I'm having dinner at my mother's. I promised." 

I just asked him not to be late. We had Sachertorte, exchanged two small presents, had a pillow fight and cuddles. We fell asleep completely dressed. (We're totally back in high-school, apparently.)

I'm so in love it almost hurts, LJ, it's like someone raised my emotional baseline by two or three tiers.

Social networking

So, I'm on Plurk, if you feel like adding me feel free. The added bonus might be that the posts will all be in English. :)


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